The Hangover: 2017 Packers Free Agency

The level of activity out of Green Bay to open free agency would be deemed typical for many teams. For Ted Thompson and company, it was a frenzy. Looking back on the last few days, there’s only one possible explanation of how the past few days have unfolded: Ted Thompson and company were drugged and went through a sequence of events like those in “The Hangover.” Let’s revisit the past few days of the adventure.

Day 1
Before the storm, Nick Perry is re-signed. At face value, it was a little surprising given the amount and length of the contract. Upon closer look, it’s a classic Packers deal crafted to let the team off the hook if things go south. Still, Thompson is showing much confidence for a player with one and a half seasons of solid play in their five-year career.

Next, the real fun begins. Zach Galifianakis slips Roufalin into the drinks of the decision makers at 1265 Lombardi Ave. Naturally, the first action after Roufalin ingestion is to throw Ted Thompson into a barricaded area at the top of Lambeau and completely forget about him. Eliot Wolf and Brian Gutekunst finally have free reign to get more active in free agency.

The following act of inebriation is to re-sign a Menard’s turnstile known as Don Barclay. He is said to be the team’s most versatile lineman. If the argument is he’s versatile at being a liability at every position on the line, then that’s accurate. I want nothing more than to eat my words on this one. Make it happen, Don.

Meanwhile, Micah Hyde and J.C. Tretter bail, understandably.

Day 2
The Packers decide to dump Jared Cook and drive him to the outskirts of Pulaski to leave him for the wolves. Unexpectedly, Ken Jeong jumps out of the trunk and clubs Eliot Wolf with a crowbar until he promises to sign a not-quite-as-talented version of Jermichael Finley. Before they know it, Martellus Bennett is polling Packer Nation to pick his jersey number and Brian Gutekunst is pulling his own tooth out.

Day 3
Ken Jeong T-bones Wolf’s car on his way back to Lambeau. He threatens to report a tampering violation to Roger Goodell that would cost the team a 5th round draft pick unless they sign yet another tight end. A few hours later, Lance Kendricks inks a new deal with the Pack.

Day 4
With the Roufalin finally wearing off, the gang finally realizes what they did with Ted Thompson. After rescuing T.T. from the top of Lambeau, they dash back to his office. T.J. Lang’s agent has left several messages asking Ted if they have a counter to Detroit’s offer. The final message states that since nobody is answering, Lang has agreed to sport the Honolulu Blue for the next three years.

This is the only plausible explanation for what occurred in eastern Wisconsin the past few days. Any other theories are unfounded.

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